Flight.

I am at once inspired & intimidated by those that have come before me. An ever growing, ever changing amalgam of emotions. Inadequacy is quick to come & go, replaced by & replacing an eagerness that bursts at & breaks the seams; one that ignores any sense of preparation. Fight or flight, & ready to do both.

At times I am oblivious to this blessed sense of direction but I own it & I am thankful, every simultaneously too. Slowly, & yetsorapidly passing second. I am old & I am young with the world ahead, behind & on my shoulders; ready & waiting to be conquered. & I will conquer it. Because I know I can.

The Changing Seasons.

Here’s what I’ve learned:
There are two types of relationships. Seasonal & Lifetime.

Now most of the time we meet these seasonal people & attach lifetime expectations. People that were only supposed to come into your life & teach you one thing, you fell in love with. You put them up & gave them access to the deepest parts of you, places you never even let your parents or best friends go. You made yourself vulnerable & you believed in “love.” The season ends & you see a future, a dream you built up, fall to pieces. You can’t help but feel torn apart. But you have to learn things, lots of things. Go ahead be hurt, let it hurt & get better. You are on your way to happiness. You’re being prepared for something they will never know. It hurts me too, to know they will only experience seasonal happiness. It’ll come & it’ll go, damaging hearts & souls alike.

I think I’ve become more partial to just seeing pretty much everyone as seasonal people.

Tree of Life

Norma Jean

I just want to write but I have no idea how to. Again, I am tangled in the mess of my own words & my inability to sort them. How many times can I write this entry?

I have decided, however, that I quite possibly may have the worst timing in the history of mankind.

Best Friends

So Sonia was not my only or even my first best friend. She was the last. It wasn’t that I hadn’t made friends since, it’s just that I thought myself past the age of that particular kind of friendship. Adult friendship doesn’t grant you an exclusive. It isn’t meant to be ranked above romance and family. I couldn’t imagine ever living that moment again when you say with a shy and hopeful pride “You’re my best friend”. The other person says it back and there you have chosen each other out of everyone else in the world.
— Leah Stewart, The Myth of You and Me: A Novel

es·cap·ism

n.A mental diversion to retreat from unpleasant realities through diversion or fantasy.

I am totally in love with us.