Flight.

I am at once inspired & intimidated by those that have come before me. An ever growing, ever changing amalgam of emotions. Inadequacy is quick to come & go, replaced by & replacing an eagerness that bursts at & breaks the seams; one that ignores any sense of preparation. Fight or flight, & ready to do both.

At times I am oblivious to this blessed sense of direction but I own it & I am thankful, every simultaneously too. Slowly, & yetsorapidly passing second. I am old & I am young with the world ahead, behind & on my shoulders; ready & waiting to be conquered. & I will conquer it. Because I know I can.

The Changing Seasons.

Here’s what I’ve learned:
There are two types of relationships. Seasonal & Lifetime.

Now most of the time we meet these seasonal people & attach lifetime expectations. People that were only supposed to come into your life & teach you one thing, you fell in love with. You put them up & gave them access to the deepest parts of you, places you never even let your parents or best friends go. You made yourself vulnerable & you believed in “love.” The season ends & you see a future, a dream you built up, fall to pieces. You can’t help but feel torn apart. But you have to learn things, lots of things. Go ahead be hurt, let it hurt & get better. You are on your way to happiness. You’re being prepared for something they will never know. It hurts me too, to know they will only experience seasonal happiness. It’ll come & it’ll go, damaging hearts & souls alike.

I think I’ve become more partial to just seeing pretty much everyone as seasonal people.

Tree of Life

Norma Jean

I just want to write but I have no idea how to. Again, I am tangled in the mess of my own words & my inability to sort them. How many times can I write this entry?

I have decided, however, that I quite possibly may have the worst timing in the history of mankind.

Best Friends

So Sonia was not my only or even my first best friend. She was the last. It wasn’t that I hadn’t made friends since, it’s just that I thought myself past the age of that particular kind of friendship. Adult friendship doesn’t grant you an exclusive. It isn’t meant to be ranked above romance and family. I couldn’t imagine ever living that moment again when you say with a shy and hopeful pride “You’re my best friend”. The other person says it back and there you have chosen each other out of everyone else in the world.
— Leah Stewart, The Myth of You and Me: A Novel

es·cap·ism

n.A mental diversion to retreat from unpleasant realities through diversion or fantasy.

I am totally in love with us.

Ego.

Ego is like a room of your own, a room with a view with the temperature & the smells & the music that you like. You want it your own way. You'd just like to have a little peace, you'd like to have a little happiness, you know, just gimme a break. But the more you think that way, the more you try to get life to come out so that it will always suit you, the more your fear of other people & what's outside your room grows. Rather than becoming more relaxed, you start pulling down the shades & locking the door. When you do go out, you find the experience more & more unsettling & disagreeable. You become touchier, more fearful, more irritable than ever. The more you try to get it your way, the less you feel at home. - Pema Chodron

With fall just around the corner, I thought this 'fit was very "fitting" for the upcoming season. ;) Time to go shopping.

A Hairy Post

The following are just a few pictures of various hairstyles I've come across the world wide web that inspired future hairstyles for myself. Sadly, my hair is still only shoulder-length at the present time, but these pictures are just a few things to look forward to. :)

My soul is impatient with itself, as with a bothersome child; its restlessness keeps growing and is forever the same. Everything interests me, but nothing holds me.

 —  Fernando Pessoa (via thenocturnals)

Flint.


As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the lunch I had that afternoon; how it was a salmon, whose underside was gray & how I named him Flint.

"Do you want a cookie?
- What?
- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?
- No.
- How can you not want a cookie?
- I just don't.
- Okay, fine, let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?
- I'd eat a cookie?
- Exactly. That's all I'm saying.
- What are you saying?
- That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do.
- Let me guess. Dad won't let you have a cookie?
- No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.
- And you don't think that's fair.
- You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.
- Hmm. I can see why this bothers you so much.
- It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie, you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like you said, it's not fair.
- So what are you going to do?
- I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fair
to ten-year-olds."

— Nicholas Sparks (The Last Song)

Soul mate.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

The History of Love

Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl, & her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.

 - Nicole Krauss, "The History of Love"

You aren't boring or vain or simple or mean. You're colorful, complex & have beauty that's all your own. & for the record, you are infinitely nicer than you give yourself credit for.

We're all walking around with these glossy eyes. "I'm just tired," we say. But you know what? It's bullshit. Yes, we are tired, but it's not all from lack of sleep. We are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. We're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though our days are packed. We're tired of the loneliness that presses down on us even though we're surrounded by dozens of people. So why can't we just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes & say, "I'm unhappy, I'm broken, I'm hopeless & fallible." We've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. Well, I say screw all of that. Screw forced smiles & polite handshakes & I'm fine, thank you’s. Screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems. We are human. We are meant to feel. To feel everything & to feel it all openly. We are not metal - we are flesh & bone. Our boiled blood courses through our cold, clammy hands. We are intricate & beautiful & we should never hide our human parts, because if we do, then what's left to show?

Footprints.

There comes a point where you miss someone so much that you can hear their voice echo in your head. You can hear the names that they used to call you, the words they used to tell you. You memorized their laugh, their smile, & their silly ways.

Get in my zone.

I act differently around different people. Mind you, I'm not fake. I just have my own comfort zone. That's why I can only be completely myself when I'm with people I'm comfortable with.

"You know when you're in a car & you glance out the window & it seems as though you're flying past everything?"

"Yeah?"

"That's what it feels like, every day. Except I'm those trees; that highway marker. I'm standing still & life is rushing past me, 50 miles per hour in the wrong direction."

"Then close your eyes."

Out of this world.

There is something about rainy days that makes me want to cry; may it be out of joy or sadness. Rainy days put me in a very emotional mood. I think it is because I am overwhelmed by a sense of empathy for the clouds because they are out-of-this-world, & that’s how I feel too, for the most part.

How are you, really?

I hate when people ask me how I am. That monotonous response, that "Fine thanks, how are you?". So forced, so contrived. When I reply, I don't even think of the meaning behind the words that are tumbling out. I don't even stop to realize that no, I'm not okay, or maybe yes, I'm fucking amazing. I wish people delved deeper than using the question "how are you" as this regularly structured script.

When I get upset, I shut down. I feel like I should be crying or screaming or something but I can't because I'm turned off. I go silent & don't talk very much. I just sit there, & think.

These creatures outside of my window are serenading my ears with the sweetest of songs, but for some reason I can’t fall into the creases of their lullaby. Sleep, where are you? Will you be here soon to rescue me? I’m reaching out to the moon, whispering to the crickets, but still there is no reply. Only darkness. The midnight hour will continue to sing, & I will be alone. Comfort me, comfort me.

I'm just tired. So mentally worn to the point where I'm physically sick. Everything frustrates me these days & nothing seems to go right. I overthink overthinking, even when I'm thinking of nothing at all. It's my head & my heart combined into an anchor & all I'm doing is sinking.

Good vibes & good company.

I want a late night adventure. I want someone to call me up & say, “I’m outside. Let’s go do something!” I want to go out late at night, maybe drive around. Go to a park & just swing on the swings. Maybe sit in the grass & watch the stars or maybe go to a 24 hour food place & pig out. I just want a late night adventure with people I like to be around. No drama. Nothing but good vibes & good company.

First step to adulthood.

Easy first step to adulthood: Change your email from oxbabiigrl86xo or mackdaddyo to your first & last name.

GPS.

I'm competitive. With my GPS. I always have to beat my own arrival time. While my GPS may say that I'll arrive at my destination at 9:45 PM, I think, "Oh yeah? Make that 9:40! & what GPS? & what? Yeah, that's right. In. Yo. Face!"

Over thinking,

Over thinking ruins you. Ruins the situation, turns things around, makes you worry & just makes things worse than it actually is.

A leaking faucet.

You can't just turn your heart off like a faucet; you have to go to the source & dry it out, drop by drop.

Each one better than the last.

The truth was I knew, after all those flat January days, that I deserved better. I deserved I love you's & kiwi fruits & warriors coming to my door, besotted with love. I deserved pictures of my face in a thousand expressions, & the warmth of a baby's kick beneath my hand. I deserved to grow, & to change, to become all the girls I could be over the course of my life, each one better than the last.

Know the difference, kthx.

It didn't make you noble to step away from something that wasn't working, even if you thought you were the reason for the malfunction. Especially then. It just made you a quitter. Because if you were the problem, chances were you could also be the solution. The only way to find out was to take another shot.

Outside looking in.

Relationships don't always make sense. Especially from the outside.

Two strangers.

Instead, we just sat there, together but really apart, watching a show about a stranger & all her secrets, while keeping ours to ourselves, as always.

A second breakup.

Because you can never go from going to be being friends, just like that. It's a lie. It's just something that people say they'll do to take the permanence out of a breakup. & someone always take it to mean more than it does, & then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said "friendly" relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship, & it's like breaking up all over again. But messier.

Fairy tales aren't real.

So maybe it wasn't a fairy tale love. But those stories weren't real anyway. Mine were.

Almost.

What did it feel like, I wondered, to love someone that much? So much that you couldn't even control yourself when they came close, as if you might just break free of whatever was holding you & throw yourself at them with enough force to easily overwhelm you both. I had to wonder, but he clearly knew: you could see it, feel it coming off him, like a heat. I almost envied him that. Almost.

An anchoring kind of grief.

Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place.

A little bit of disorganization.

But if everything was always smooth & perfect, you'd get used to that, you know? You have to have a little bit of disorganization now & then. Otherwise, you'll never really enjoy it when things go right.

Pieces & parts.

Pieces & parts were always easier to process. The full picture, the entire story, was another thing entirely. But you just never knew. Sometimes, people could surprise you.

Timing.

Everything, in the end, comes down to timing. One second, one minute, one hour could make all the difference.

A good listener.

This is the problem with dealing with someone who is actually a good listener. They don't just jump in on your sentences, saving you from actually finishing them, or talk over you, allowing what you do manage to get out to be lost or altered in transit. Instead, they wait, so you have to keep going.

Flaws.

I don't know. Just because someone's pretty doesn't mean they're decent. Or vice versa. I'm not into appearances. I like flaws. I think they make things interesting.

A second glance.

I thought again how you could never really know what you were seeing with just one glance, in motion, passing by. Good or bad, right or wrong. There was always so much more.

Edge to edge.

So many versions of just one memory, & yet none of them were right or wrong. Instead, they were all pieces. Only when fitted together, edge to edge, could they even begint to tell the whole story.

Picky in farewells.

I'd long ago learned not to be picky in farewells. They weren't guranteed or promised. You were lucky, more than blessed, if you got a good-bye at all.

Middle.

There has to be a middle. Without it, nothing can truly be whole. Because it's not just the space between, but also what holds everything together.

I want to love, & be loved.

I heard what you said. I'm not the silly romantic you think. I don't want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don't want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want...a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, & wake up, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, & be loved.

Starbucks.

I bet the people who work at Starbucks think, "Freaking tired of all these kids coming in here & taking pictures of our coffee."

Summer thunderstorm.

I am absolutely petrified of the dark. But when there is a nighttime summer thunderstorm, I sit outside & watch it & feel completely at peace.

No relationship is perfect.

No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater. The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. & that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, & the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.

Only in America.

We have it so good in America that we get a kick out of voluntarily spending weekends living like refugees & calling it "camping".

Pack your brain too.

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.

By the sea.

The lit up carnival rides on the pier, the greasy food stands, sand on the boardwalk, my hand in yours.

The bottomline.

So there's this boy, & I gotta admit, he's got my attention. Bottom line is, if he wants me, I'm all his.

I want you, entire.

I want to know how many scars you have & memorize the shape of your tongue. I want to climb the curve of your lower back & count your vertebrae, your ribs, your fingers, your goosebumps. I want to chart the topography on your anatomy & be fluent in your body language. I want you, entire.

Place Head Here.

I have a desk & an armchair & an ottoman, all of these places to sit & study or read or surf the 'net to music. Instead I keep finding myself in bed. Lately, I'm propped up by these pillows inthe last place they say you should be studying or doing anything much more than sleeping or heading toward unconsciousness. They say it will upset a balance, skew an equilibrium; bluntly, they say it will throw me out of whack.

But who are they?

SuperCuts.

Based on SuperCuts definition of the word "super", Superman would be a really shitty superhero.

iDiot.

Apple's next overpriced unnecessary product should be dedicated to us people who wait in line for hours to get one - it's called the iDiot.

Living on the edge thanks to Google.

My version of living on the edge is turning Google SafeSearch off, typing in "bacne" & clicking "Images".

Documentary nut.

Watching a documentary is the leading cause of being unbearable in conversations for a week.

Phone call anxiety.

Well, add "making a simple phone call" to the list of "things that give me panic attacks".

Mmm, milk!

I don't care what they say - the first guy who milked & cow & drank it was a massive pervert.

Roofieable.

I look super roofieable tonight. Just sayin.

Attention grammar nerds.

Grammar nerds: Is it "for fuck sake" or "for fuck's sake?" Google is no help & this e-mail needs to sound professional, for fuck/fuck's sake!

Sriracha sauce.

It is better to have loved & lost Sriracha sauce than to have never loved Sriracha sauce at all.

A hummus proposal.

If affection can be measured in hummus, the dude at the falafel truck just proposed to me.

Cruise control.

First time using cruise control. Ever. This is some serious Star Wars shit!

Lifestyle choices.

Homosexuality & ethnicity are not lifestyle choices. Hatred, intolerance, bigotry & rooting for the Yankees are.

Pulchritudinous.

Want to impress me? Use the word "pulchritudinous" in a casual sentence. Don't know why, but it works every time.

I've caught the Bieber Fever.

Friday night confessional: I thoroughly enjoyed the Bieber movie. Commence hazing.

To all my 25+ year old friends...

If you're over 25 & still use the phrase, "It's my birthday week," please stop.

Sunday.

Red wine, 80's music, Sunday crossword.

I would like some Soy Milk, please.

Yes, I am that nerd who asks the waiter at the greasy diner whether they have any soy milk.

Bed, Bath & Beyond

They're playing some old-school Run-D.M.C. I was not prepared t party this hard at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Concealing an insult.

How do you say "I'd rather pull out my fingernails & watch paint dry than ever go out on a date with you again" without sounding mean?

Rainy weekend.

Lying in bed, watching the rain fall, & listening to Wilco: the perfect way to end a looooooong week.

Making a house a home.

First weekend in the new apartment. Making a house a home.

Living the Dream!

Wearing a Public Enemy t-shirt, eating a microwave burrito & cleaning the floor with paper towels on my feet. Living the dream!

1:30 snack.

Studying outside of Dunkin Donuts.

Dear OB Book,

Oh my geez, you are the best pillow ever! Your pompous words are like feather-fluff. I think I might even bring you to class, now that I've found what you're useful for.

Parallel parking rap.

Instead of just booze & sex, it would be nice to hear a rapper use an entire song to brag about his parallel parking skills.

Medium rare.

Boys: Immature. Guys: Jerks. Men: Rare.

RadioShack.

Aside from selling the Black Eyed Peas their clothing, how does RadioShack stay in business? They're like the MySpace of electronic stores.

An orgasm tsunami.

Just finished watching Captain America. I'm sure Chris Evans can set off an orgasm tsunami by just whipping off his shirt.

The repercussions of flag footbal. But I like to call it, my battle scar.

Dear Coffee,

You & I have a wonderful relationship. I wake up to your delicious aroma every morning &, I must say, you're just my type: bold, sweet, & energizing. Sometimes I miss you throughout the day & just have to seek you out. Without you, it's as if my soul is exhausted. Heck, even my eye twitches a bit. But darling Coffee, this is the problem we have to discuss. I fear that this relationship may be doing more harm than good. People are telling me I'm addicted to you & that, behind my back, you are hurting my kidneys. I have been using the bathroom awful frequently. Is that your fault? If I continue to see you this intensely, it'll take its toll on me when I'm older (the stained teeth, for example). You're just not good for me. You've become needy &, at times, expensive. Coffee, I have to be a more independent person. It's time for me to stop this cycle of reliance. You know I'll always love you, but I think it's time that this relationship become more casual.

- R

The Green Lantern.

On a date with my sister, Ryan Reynolds, & a bag of Hershey's Bliss. :)

Ace Ventura, why you so smart?

"I just got to the point where I realized the only way to look at life is to believe that everything that ever happens to you, is the best thing that's ever happened to you." - Jim Carey.

Ace Ventura, why you so smart?

Dear Antihistamine,

You are a liar. You do not taste like cherries or any other fruit. Be yourself.

- R

To pee or not to pee?

Lying in bed, wondering if it's worth it to get up & pee.

Dear OB

Thank you for shaking my sense of invisibility. I needed that. I was getting a little too lazy & conceited.

Signed,

Might have just bombed her OB exam

Filipino-American Day

Aside from it being America's Independence Day, today is also "Filipino-American Day". Never heard of it before. How do we celebrate? By hugging your favority Filipino-American?

Food poisoning or E. coli?

What's the word for the suddenly unsettling feeling that you should have cooked that steak a little longer? Is it food poisoning? Or E. coli?

Asians can't drive.

I am amusingly offended by this. Because I am Asian. & a woman.

Dear Nobu

This is not a love letter.
This is a letter to let you know that I am done being stepped on.

This is not a praise note.
This is a note to tell you that you need much improvement.

You are not performing to the best of your abilities.
You are misbehaving.

You are not doing what I say, when I say it.
You are misbehaving.

I will tell you that you are the cutest thing I've ever laid eyes on.
BUt in reality, you are a beast.

I do everything for you: I feed you, I bathe you, I clean up your poop, & even enrolled you in a puppy class.

& yet, you give me nothing in return. You cannot rely on cute forever.

Love,
The superior being who's pushed around by a 4 month old puppy who looks like a panda bear & acts like a real bear.

P.S. Everyone knows you run this house, you do not need to continue to "mark your territory" all over my new stilettos. Thankyouverymuch.

Time.

Time is possibly the most vexatious component of existence; it never stops, never considers how humans are so dependent upon it. I wish that I could stop time - no rewind, but merely stop - & savor the instant. I wish sometimes that our world, my world, could be as amaranthine & devoid of time as the one in my dreams. But all good things must end, right?

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

As I was reading Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer, I came across this quote:

"She wants to know if I love her. That's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself, but the knowledge that love is there. Like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet."

 Good god, this is brilliant.



If you want to know where your heart lies, look at where your mind wanders.

Emotion or logic? The debate of life.

Three scariest words.

Three scariest words in the English language: "I lov-- googled you."

A hole in my pants.

"There is a hole in my pants," I say to myself. This hole was created after falling off a footpath onto the road because I am the type of person who should not wear heels. Since this happened back in high school, I sit here wondering why I have not yet thrown these pants away. "Perhaps," my mind says, "you wear these pants because you get some sort of sick pleasure knowing that you can still fit (albeit tightly) into your high school pants." Whatever the reason, the fact still remains that I have kept these pants tucked away in my drawer, taking them out every now & then, & pretending the hole is new.



Dear Treadmill,

I'm sorry, but this relationship is just not going to "work out" for me. The fact that you make my heart beat fast & leave me breathless are all just part of the honeymoon phase. But after 30 minutes of running together, I have finally realized that you are nothing short of evil. Your red blinking lights taunt me & is a constant reminder that I only burned off 10 calories after all the hard work I put myself through which resulted in my heart (& sides) aching. I would promise to use you again, but we both know that this is not true. We can no longer lie to each other. We must part ways. But don't think that I will not think of you in passing. For the next time I pass you, I will use you as my coat rack while eating my 650 cal burger.

<3, Me.

Pulled muscle.

Too much tequila last night. I think I pulled a muscle in my liver.

eHarmony for salad dressings.

I need an eHarmony for salad dressings. Still trying to find "the one."

Jersey Shore.

Valtrex should do product placements on Jersey Shore. Must I think of everything?

I eat poached egg whites on whole wheat bread with reckless abandon. Gangsta!

Seriously Pandora:

I donut care how many musical "genomes" they share - just because I like Adele doesn't mean I should like John Mayer.

Happiness in small things tonight:

Korean drama marathon, great company, & a bowl of ice cream.

A slow, painful death.

Every time my lil bro's friends come up to me & say "Excuse me, ma'am," a little piece of me dies.

Literary nerd.

It's cute that you're trying to impress me but Evelyn Waugh was a man, George Eliot was a woman, & I am a literary nerd.

My phone is my alarm clock, flashlight, music player & camera. Oh, & it makes & receives phone calls too.

I wish I were a baby panda, roaming nature, eating bamboo, & knowing nothing at all about Charlie Sheen.

Puppy poop defies all laws of physics & nature. Ugh.

Mephobia - fear of becoming so awesome that the human race can't handle it & everybody dies. I suffer from this. Modesty - freedom from vanity/boastfulness. This, not so much.

Studying & enjoying the view.

Dear Inspiration,

You’ve finally given me a word that describes the entirety of my lifetime so far: “spectator”. I watch people. I watch people succeed. I watch their finished products. I watch the resounding success from these products. I watch the world build into an empire filled with resounding successes from finished products from very successful people.

Then, I stop watching. I start thinking. It’s the thinking that has destroyed me for so long. I think of how I won’t be able to be that person, that person who succeeds, whose finished products arouse resounding success & help inspire an empire.

Then, I stop thinking. I start watching again. & the more I watch, the more thinking invades. I can’t escape thinking anymore. All I ask – the deities of the human lifetime – is to arrive at some point, some blip in the radar, some dot on the timeline, my timeline, where watching & thinking finally cease forever. So that I may start doing.

Daily Text Message

Friend: Call/text me when you are on your way.
Me: Potassium.
Friend: ? Autocorrect get ya?
Me: Nope. On the periodic table, the symbol for potassium is K.
Friend: OMG! You are such a nerd!

You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.

I can't sleep at night & I can't wake up in the morning.

Insane in the membrane.

i studied today. i read 2 books in the past 48 hours. i read them in this order. 1) Reading Lolita in Tehran. 2) Medical-Surgical Nursing. apparently my priorities are out of whack. my sisters are home. i cannot read. they are distracting me. i bought a polaroid camera. it cost $2.99. my film cost $23. wtf. the cow jumped over the moon. i wonder why he jumped. see spot run. i wonder where he's going.

Ship. Wreck.

All I’d ever wanted was to forget. But even when I thought I had, pieces had kept emerging, like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hint at the shipwreck below.

Too tired to do anything, too awake to sleep.