The Sweetest Thing.

Watched The Sweetest Thing with my mom. Awkwarddddd.

Racist.

What does the spell checker on word have against passive voice?

Hibernation.

I am not made for the 40 hour work week. Store me below room temperature and let me sleep. Thank you.

Chocolate & Fruit-Flavored Brazilian Wax

So I was birthday shopping at Ulta yesterday when I passed by an advertisement that said "Chocolate & Fruit-Flavored Brazilian Wax". I don't know about the rest of the female population, but I'm pretty sure my vagina lacks taste buds.

Alchemist.

ne wish: to alchemically convert all of my stationary habits (reading, writing, planning, listing) into active ones. If writing & reading were somehow physical & not just mental exercises, the chemicals that produce happiness would run more abundantly through my veins; I’d have pink cheeks all day & I would sleep better.

Tag-a-lish.

So I just tried to speak Tagalog to my cousin in the PI & she laughed at me. Guess I should stick to English.

Shooting stars make me realize how much I hate blinking.

The world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me...

Gilded butterflies.

& we will laugh at gilded butterflies.

Winter blur.

Early winter weather, it turns out, is the antidote to blurriness. Blurriness in the sense of a body that won’t contain itself—runny nose, radiating headache, etc. Find relief from these disintegrations by bandaging yourself in sweaters & walking around the block; this sunny-cold weather is sharp enough to redraw the lines.

Pedestrian.

It was just so pedestrian; common & dirty & cruel. Mostly just cruel.

Butterfly.

Sometimes I feel like an earth bound caterpillar. Crawling along the road of life while in the forest canopy the beautiful butterflies dance in the wind. It’s hard to imagine that they were once like me.

I stare at my reflection and all I see is a caterpillar. No sign of a butterfly at all.

But I was promised wings.

I’ve never seen them. And the grasshoppers tell me they don’t exist.

Am I fool to have such faith?

Maybe the grasshoppers are right and I should be content with the forest floor and stop dreaming of a day when I will fly.

But I'm not a grasshopper!

I’m a butterfly just waiting for wings.

Be yourself.

When I try to write a poem, I end up writing a rap song. I'm a pimp. You're a ho. You're a bitch. I'm a bro. When I write a rap song, I end up with an invisible sex change. The moral of the story is: don't try to be what you're not. & I am obviously not a poet. Or a rapper.

Purple roses.

I hate roses. But I like purple roses.

Why? Because the color was a failure.

In the 1700s, European aristocrats competed in roses. They competed & created a multitude of varieties in almost every color imaginable, except for blue. You see, roses lack a blue pigment. So in the end, the final creation was a purple that just could not become blue; a failure.

I hate roses. But I like purple roses.

Freudism.

When I see a mother reading a book while her toddler quietly draws pictures across the table, I think that maybe one day I will have a child after all. But then it is never clear which person I am identifying with; perhaps what I really want is to draw pictures across the table from my mother.

Welcome me with distrust. Swallow me whole. & spit me up.

Alone in blogging.

Does anyone even blog anymore? I am in need of some blogger friends on, well, blogger. :) Ah, I miss those xanga days.

It’s a long time coming & I can’t yet say we’re there.

The worst thing about winter? Waking up.

Rotten.

You can tell when fruit goes bad. Spoiled fruit has built in warning signs, such as putrid smells, deterioration of skin & visible molds. People, on the other hand, don't come with such nifty warning signs. They can appear to be totally "normal," when in fact, they're really insane & irrational.

Unfortunately, we have to suffer having "food poisoning” in order to know that it's not healthy for us.

Discrimination.

I like rain, but only the good kind of rain that comes down evenly, in mid-size drops, at only a slight angle. The kind of rain in which umbrellas work well. Polite, atmospheric rain. Rain that disposes of itself down the drains without obstruction. Movie-day rain. I discriminate when it comes to rain.

Drug junkie.

This disgusting, hacking cough has persisted for over a week. I am becoming an antihistamine junkie.

Swan flu is contagious.

My mom while talking to my little brother: "Bring the hand sanitizer with you to school so you won't catch the Swan Flu."

My mom makes my day. :)

Warm-up exercises.

Popped in my new exercise video. Got all pumped up & sweaty for the first 15 minutes. Then the woman says, "Okay ladies, that was just the warm-up! Now for the real exercise!"

That was just the warm-up!?!? *EJECT*

What is your password?

So I forgot the password to one of my accounts online & so I clicked on the "Forgot My Password" link. I proceed to fill in my email address all the while thinking, "Man, this is genius whoever came up with this concept!"

That is, until I get to the secret question: "What is your password?"

-_________-

My Mom & eHarmony.

So my mom had a conversation with a friend who was entertaining my mother with a story as to how her & her newly-wedded husband met. Apparently, they met on an online forum which peaked my mother's interest. So of course, she decides to enlist my help.

MOM: Anak, have you ever heard of eHarmony?
ME: *Stops typing on her laptop* ... Yeeaaahhh?
MOM: Okay, help me sign up for an account.
ME: ... What? Why!?
MOM: *Proceeds to tell me about the story of her friend & how she met her new husband* ...So I want to see if I can find anyone too.
ME: *Unwillingly helps only because her mom already snatched the laptop away*

1.)
MOM: Hehe, I'll just put that I was born in 1979.
ME: Mom! You can't lie about your age!
MOM: Why not? I don't want to put that I was born on 1964. They'll know that I'm old.
ME: Mom.. are you trying to be a cradle-robber?
MOM: Huh? What about cradles?
ME: Nevermind. The point is, you want to find someone that's CLOSE to your age. You don't want to look for guys in their 30's!
MOM: Fine, I'll just put that I was born on 1970 then.
ME: ...MOM!

2.)
"What ethnicities would you be willing to accept as matches? Check all that apply."
ME: *Proceeds to click on the "No preference" option*
MOM: No! Don't put that one!
ME: Why not?
MOM: *Whispers* I don't want to date an African-American or Arab.
ME: Mom, stop being racist. And why are you whispering??
MOM: *Normal voice* I don't know. Just don't put that. I want you to click "Asian/Pacific Islander", "Chinese", "Korean", & "Japanese".
ME: *Sigh*

3.)
"How well do the following words describe your physical appearance?"
Options: Not at all, Somewhat, Very well
ME: Stylish?
MOM: Very Well
ME: Attractive?
MOM: Well, since you won't let me put that I was born on 1979 then I say "Not at all". I'm old now, I'm not attractive anymore.
ME: Aww, mom. I'll just put "Somewhat"
MOM: *Smacks me in the back of my head*
ME: Ow!! What was that for!?
MOM: You're saying I'm ugly, huh? Put "Very well"!
ME: *Cringing* Overweight?
MOM: *Glares*
ME: *Clicks on "Not at all"

4.) WHAT DO THESE WORDS MEAN?
a.
MOM: What does "frugal" mean?
ME: It means you're cheap.
MOM: *Offended* What!? I'm not cheap!
ME: Nooo. Not as a person. *Gives her an example of someone who is frugal*
MOM: Ohh! I see. *Clicks on "Very Well"* I'm Filipino, I like my sales.
b.
MOM: What is "boosy?"
ME: Boosy?
MOM: Yes, it says "boosy".
ME: *Looks at laptop screen* Mom, it's "BOSSY" not "BOOSY"
MOM: Oh, okay. *Clicks on "Not at all"*
ME: Mom, no lying on this thing, remember?
MOM: What? I'm not lying!
c.
MOM: "Flower"? Oh, yeah I like flowers.
ME: Mom, it says "follower".
MOM: Oh! Duh Marlyn (her name). Flowers is f-l-o-w-e-r-s. Oh yeah, I guess I am a follower. I follow the flow of traffic.
ME: ...yeah.

*15 minutes later*
MOM: Ay nako! This is taking too long! So many questions! I don't want to do this anymore!
ME: Mom, you're like 95% done. Just finish it. Because if you quit now, then you just wasted 15 minutes of my life with this thing.

5.)
MOM: "I have a high desire for sexual activity. Not at all, somewhat, or very well." What does that mean?
ME: Eeewwww! Man, this sucks.
MOM: Ohhh! *Hyena laugh* I know now.

Sooo.

20 minutes later, we finally finish & get to the results! Probably the worst 20 minutes I've ever spent. It was torture. & the end result?

"Unable To Match You At This Time. Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time."

MOM: What!? Ayyyy! I did all this for nothing!?

FML.

Taboo.

Conversation while playing the game Taboo with boyfriend & sisters:



BF: A word you usually call me.

Me: "Ugly"? "Fat"? "Fart-face"?

BF: ... -.- When you're nice.

Me: Oh "babe".

Sisters: ROFL.

Taking a break from studying. Just ate a whole bag of chips (the biggg kind) & didn't even realize it. Now I'm sad.

Sprinklers.

Jenny & I are sitting at our neighborhood park watching little girls running through the sprinklers:

Me: I remember those good 'ol days when I used to be able to run through sprinklers without a bra on.

Jenny: ROFL ROFL.

Chips & dip.

Went to Walgreens the other day to buy a make-up brush. 20 minutes later I walk out with chips & dip.

-_____-

12:34:56

Today at 12:34:56 will be the first & only time in our lifetime that we'll be able to experience the perfect time: 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9!

Heroine junkie.

I'm seriously obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. I'm like a souped up heroine junkie when it comes to this series. I need help.

Optimus Primust

Are you a pessimist, a realist, or an Optimus Primust?

Text Messaging

For those who have had the opportunity to have my texts grace their cell phones (yes, I AM modest, thanks), many of my friends have unanimously agreed that I have a weird sense of humor. Better weird than none, I always say. Thankfully, most of my friends are a little off-beat & tend to share & understand my outlook in life. That's why I like saving my random texts to my friends until my phone's memory can't hold them any longer.

The following are all about to get purged so I thought I'd write them down here for posterity. Enjoy.

• "Does the 3-second rule still apply when you've dropped a baby?"
• "Hey, you're a foodie. What kind of tacos go well with self-loathing?"
• "Do they make condoms for livers?"
• "Chinese food is always better with my eyes closed."
• "If you & Italian Pocahontas had kids, they'd either be amazingly gorgeous or freakishly ugly."
• "Don't worry, dude. We'll always be friends. You know way too much."
• "Just out of curiosity, how much do you think tits weigh?"
• "My younger brother just tried to put me in a time-out."
• "Do you think it's fair that black people get the entire month of February, while fat people only get a Tuesday?"
• "Didn't know you hated cats as much as I do. We should exchange recipes."
• "Here's her number. No pressure. Just know that if you screw this up, I will ducking kill you!!!"
  [Note: Apparently my phone has an issue with the word "fucking" & makes all my strong worded texts look harmless & adorable.]
• "Michelle says old people sleep in separate beds because of the snoring. I say it's because they don't want to wake up next to a dead body. What do you think?"
• "Not going to her wedding. Told her I'd go to her next one. She said okay."
• "Please, fool! I was doing that back in the 90's while you were teasing your hair & practicing your backhand."
• "Where are you tonight? I would like to buy you a vowel."
• "I can smell the leather pants & Duran Duran from here."
• "What up, Foolio? It's not cool to correct people's grammar on text messages. I supposed it's also not cool to be a hypocrite. So let's go to the frozen aisle in Publix & be cool together. Hardy har har."
• "Your dog is a chick magnet, has a very strange foot fetish & likes slices of cucumber in his water. It figures."
• "I should send out an invite to everyone letting them know that they are to meet me up at Whole Foods for Thanksgiving & make it BYOB."
• "We need a gang sign & t-shirts. Or maybe a secret handshake & some polo shirts."
• "You cut your hair? Well look at it this way, at least now you'll be more aerodynamic."

Text messages between Friend & I:

Me: "Actually, I always thought WWJD meant 'what would Jesus drive?'"
Friend: "Cute. Well, what kind of car do you think Jesus would drive?"
Me: "I don't think Jesus drives. He just rides in the back of a giant Escalade."
Friend: "Why an Escalade?"
Me: "Because everyone says Jesus is their homeboy and all the homeboys I know drive Escalades."
Friend: "Don't you think Jesus would be more environmentally conscious?"
Me: "When you roll with a large entourage, higher emission standards are generally subordinate to the need for third-row seating."
Friend: "Jesus rolls with an entourage?"
Me: "Yeah, those 12 guys following him who keep asking him to turn water into wine."

Postmortem analysis: "I know. It's hard to believe I'm 23, isn't it?"