For those who have had the opportunity to have my texts grace their cell phones (yes, I AM modest, thanks), many of my friends have unanimously agreed that I have a weird sense of humor. Better weird than none, I always say. Thankfully, most of my friends are a little off-beat & tend to share & understand my outlook in life. That's why I like saving my random texts to my friends until my phone's memory can't hold them any longer.
The following are all about to get purged so I thought I'd write them down here for posterity. Enjoy.
- "Does the 3-second rule still apply when you've dropped a baby?"
- "Hey, you're a foodie. What kind of tacos go well with self-loathing?"
- "Do they make condoms for livers?"
- "Chinese food is always better with my eyes closed."
- "If you & Italian Pocahontas had kids, they'd either be amazingly gorgeous or freakishly ugly."
- "Don't worry, dude. We'll always be friends. You know way too much."
- "Just out of curiosity, how much do you think tits weigh?"
- "My younger brother just tried to put me in a time-out."
- "Do you think it's fair that black people get the entire month of February, while fat people only get a Tuesday?"
- "Didn't know you hated cats as much as I do. We should exchange recipes."
- "Here's her number. No pressure. Just know that if you screw this up, I will ducking kill you!!!"
[Note: Apparently my phone has an issue with the word "fucking" & makes all my strong worded texts look harmless & adorable.] - "Michelle says old people sleep in separate beds because of the snoring. I say it's because they don't want to wake up next to a dead body. What do you think?"
- "Not going to her wedding. Told her I'd go to her next one. She said okay."
- "Please, fool! I was doing that back in the 90's while you were teasing your hair & practicing your backhand."
- "Where are you tonight? I would like to buy you a vowel."
- "I can smell the leather pants & Duran Duran from here."
- "What up, Foolio? It's not cool to correct people's grammar on text messages. I supposed it's also not cool to be a hypocrite. So let's go to the frozen aisle in Publix & be cool together. Hardy har har."
- "Your dog is a chick magnet, has a very strange foot fetish & likes slices of cucumber in his water. It figures."
- "I should send out an invite to everyone letting them know that they are to meet me up at Whole Foods for Thanksgiving & make it BYOB."
- "We need a gang sign & t-shirts. Or maybe a secret handshake & some polo shirts."
- "You cut your hair? Well look at it this way, at least now you'll be more aerodynamic."
Text messages between Friend & I:
Me: "Actually, I always thought WWJD meant 'what would Jesus drive?'"
Friend: "Cute. Well, what kind of car do you think Jesus would drive?"
Me: "I don't think Jesus drives. He just rides in the back of a giant Escalade."
Friend: "Why an Escalade?"
Me: "Because everyone says Jesus is their homeboy and all the homeboys I know drive Escalades."
Friend: "Don't you think Jesus would be more environmentally conscious?"
Me: "When you roll with a large entourage, higher emission standards are generally subordinate to the need for third-row seating."
Friend: "Jesus rolls with an entourage?"
Me: "Yeah, those 12 guys following him who keep asking him to turn water into wine."
Friend: "Cute. Well, what kind of car do you think Jesus would drive?"
Me: "I don't think Jesus drives. He just rides in the back of a giant Escalade."
Friend: "Why an Escalade?"
Me: "Because everyone says Jesus is their homeboy and all the homeboys I know drive Escalades."
Friend: "Don't you think Jesus would be more environmentally conscious?"
Me: "When you roll with a large entourage, higher emission standards are generally subordinate to the need for third-row seating."
Friend: "Jesus rolls with an entourage?"
Me: "Yeah, those 12 guys following him who keep asking him to turn water into wine."
Postmortem analysis: "I know. It's hard to believe I'm 23, isn't it?"
